Today was one of the most challenging days that we have had in a long time. It was a day that I found myself questioning my ability to keep it together.
Over the past week or so, Giovanni has been off. I can't explain it, but he hasn't been himself. He has been extremely defiant with moments of meanness and aggression. This morning he woke up and was not happy. There was no way to console him as he didn't want to be touched. I had taken a half of day off from work to accompany him on his field trip with school to a local pumpkin farm. I was very excited to spend this time with him. He was excited about riding the school bus to the farm. None of this ever happened.
Giovanni spent almost 3 hours screaming and crying. None of my attempts to distract him or redirect him worked. They only led to him becoming more aggressive, where he was hitting, kicking, and throwing everything in sight. At one point, I just started crying my eyes out. He came over to me with a tissue to dry my tears. This gave me a glimmer of hope, that this horrendous episode was over. As soon as I acknowledged him, it started all over again. I don't know what started this horrific event, and I don't know what I could have done to prevent it or help him through it. I was at a complete loss!
Today I feel completely defeated as a parent. I experienced moments of such intense internal anger and rage, that I was left with feelings of extreme guilt afterwards. How could I feel such anger and rage towards a child? Today I was not a good mom. I feel that I have failed my child.